A celebration upon completion

I love my vicodin -- it loves me. For years I have struggled with addiction... although for the first two years, I didn't call it "addiction"... it was "necessary". The physical pain had eventually gone away, but the pain inside created dents and cuts, and vicodin was my stitches. The cuts were not deep... but then again, isn't it the paper cuts that hurt the worst? My 'hillbilly heroin' made life a breeze; pain drifted away with each head-nodding high. With my new problems -- I was running a marathon but Vic couldn't keep up. Along the way, I passed a doctor and he said, "You look like death. Let me take away the pain..." He handed me a bottle; through the orange glossy surface sat a cotton white field of dreams -- Percocet became my new love. Soon, all my troubles disappeared into the background once again and I could fly. No longer did it matter that Steph had left me... that Uriah had died... that my friends were no longer treading water with me... I had died a long time ago, but was reborn; invincible. When all the monsters had come out from under the bed, they carried with them a message... "You must resist the pill's evil ways. When you swallow your twenty-five dream pills a day, they go inside and eat at your insides... eat at your brain... and they look to bring the devil called 'Death' with them." How could I believe the monsters; they were out to ruin my life. I refused to say 'goodbye' to my only love... the high. Then the bad man came and stole the bottle as I slept. I was now faced to deal with the reality of my life. I refused to live in the world of truth. As I sat on a bench, contemplating the answer to my demise, a woman came along and said, "No more worries... here's the heaven to your hell." Methadone had lifted me back up where I belonged. A bittersweet painkiller -- it could make me or break me... the 2nd cousin of Vic and Perc. But with every summer comes an icy winter; I had sobered up... and along with it, came the worst feeling in the world -- reality. A horrid, deathly feeling came with it -- the 'white flu'. My limbs, my body was seriously fucking pissed that I had not given it its daily dose of euphoria. I became ill; convulsing, heaving, shivering, freezing -- not more than a few minutes later; panicking, crying, sweating... dying. Death was more welcoming than the fury of being in withdrawls.

After weeks of rehab; after unbearable days of detoxing; after NA and endlessly 'working the program'... I'd love to say I learned my lesson. But I just can't close the door on that part of my life -- when the sad, harsh, blinding reality sets in... I run back to the euphoric high that is the answer to my prayers -- the Bonnie to my Clyde. They will always be there for me... they do not discriminate... never judge.

I wish I could say 'no'. But... while they've given me life, I'm sure they'll eventually be my demise.

No Lies, Just Love

It was in the march of the winter
I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place

So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep

But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"

I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.

Racing towards the new

Wow. It's been awhile since I've posted on this thing. Figure I'd give it an update -- what do you think? Good.

It's now 2007 -- well, pretty much halfway through 2007. I've stopped the opiates....... again. Every couple of months I slip up. I fractured my T7 vertabre towards the end of April this year, and then developed scatica. So I was on pain meds for quite some time. It was hard quitting them again; wound up in detox once again.

Last year, I went into treatment at Valley Hope -- it's a 21 to 45 day treatment/rehab center. I was there for 16 days. Special circumstances. But I finished the program. I did well for approx. 3 months before relapsing. Then I had some teeth removed and was back on the vicodin. So it's been an on and off thing since then. I've spent several years on pain meds, and it wasn't until VH that I was able to go without them for any length of time.

I've moved a couple times in the past couple years. Currently I'm living in midtown ('round the Westport area).... and I'm loving it. I recently was approved for SSI because of my anxiety and back problems. Various things (including the former, and also my OCD) have prevented me from working. I went back to Royal Liquor for a few days before fracturing my spine. And I've been unemployed ever since. The doctors I see say it could be years before I'm ready to go back to working a regular job again.

For those of you that care... my Buffy collection has continued to grow.

I no longer hang out at Dennys -- don't really hang out anywhere. I generally bounce from place to place visiting friends and hanging out... with the occasional party. I've lost touch with a handful of friends over the past year or two.

I no longer drink. Last time I was drunk was on my 21st birthday almost 2 years ago.

I'm still working on my film career, although due to my physical disabilities, certain tasks have had to be put on hold for awhile.

I haven't seen a good horror movie in 3 years.

Jenikins married her ex-boyfriend, Jimmy the Marine. They're now a month or so away from expecting their first lil bundle of joy. Things have been rough on them, and with them, for awhile -- I'm hoping it all works out for the good.

My dearest fairy, Les... he contracted HIV this year, and is handling it better than I am. Things have been rough for him also, but again... hoping for the best. His living situation including him, his boytoy Vince (also, HIV positive), and their friend Kim -- unfortunately, he and Vince split not too long ago and it's just him and Kim now. I feel for him; it's gotta be really rough. But he'll come out shining in the end I think.

I'm seeing the cardiologist today -- my pulse has been insanely high... too high for the doctors comfort. Today, I'm being put on a holter monitor and getting an "echo" done... hopefully the results are good. We'll see.

That's all I have to really report. I'm sure I'll dig up some other piece of info later that I haven't reported on. Not that anyone really reads this anyway. We'll see.

From the cradle to the casket

It feels like my best friend is slipping away from me...

What do you say to that? How do you fix it?

I'm so tired... so worn. I can't seem to shake whatever is wrong with me, and it's only making me weaker. And because I'm weaker... I have less energy. Less energy I guess makes me less intolerable -- at least that's what some people have said. I'm not as "fun" anymore... apparently, I must be doing something else if I leave early every night in pain. Apparently I can't just be in pain... there has to be something else. That's crap.

I love how people like to make bullshit outta my pain.

Let me light your uterus on fire, and then tell me how I'm "ditching" you...

Old soul song for the new world order...

Went to the doctor today...

Got another kidney infection -- fun that. More antibiotics... bleh. This'll be my second kidney infection.

Also, the tumor/cyst/unknown lump down in my lower right-side abdomen has gotten bigger -- so they pushed my testing forward to next week. I'm anxious to know what thats all about...

Too much drama in this house. Bless my sister's heart, she's let me stay the past couple nights... and I'm staying there again tonight. She's a lifesaver... lifesaver, indeed.

I've got a headache -- maybe more later.

I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split...

So Mission: Get Buffy yesterday was a failure... I ended up going out to lunch with my sister instead. I ended up staying the rest of the day over there and spent the night... it was much needed rest, and not on a couch -- wOOt.

Unfortunately, this morning after I left her house, she called me from work... the doctor called her back with her kitty's test results -- her cat, Smoky, has cancer. :*( Very, very sad. She's had that cat for 10 years... she's her life. She loves that cat more than anything... and now, its unknown how much time Smoke really has left. My heart, thoughts, and best wishes go out to my sister and her kitty.

On another note: The new 'Buffy' mag is out today... must go purchase it later.

I'm starving. There's nothing in this house to eat, and I'm low on money -- I spent some money on cigarettes... which, of course, are far more important than eating. So yeah.

Not really much else to report.

Was in a bit of pain yesterday -- I can't seem to shake it. Fortunately, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow... so maybe we can get a handle on all this. Maybe. Doubtful.

If my heart could beat, it would break my chest...

Mission: Get Buffy

Today will be spent scouring the city looking for a dealer that carries the 'Women of Sunnydale' Buffy cards. I've completed my 'Big Bad' collection, and have almost collected my 'Men of Sunnydale' (6 or 7 cards shy) -- and the dealer I usually get my cards from (Vintage Stock - 91st and Metcalf)... are all out of WOS cards. Strife.

Apparently there's another girl that goes in there and buys these cards -- and here I was thinking I was the last hardcore Buffy fan in KC. She got the Pieceworks card out of Big Bads box... assuming that particular box had one... BUT, I got the Pieceworks (S7 Principal Wood) out of the Men of Sunnydale box. wOOt!

So today, I'll be spending at least $2.78 a gallon on gas... in search of my WOS Buffy cards. Wish me luck.

On a completely different note.......

Been trying out this new laptop I helped my mom buy -- it's a shame, it is. My mom is computer illiterate, and this is definately a sweet piece of machine... so I'm afraid it's going to go to waste. She wants to use it for finances... and you could run the whole of the world's games on this thing, minus the lag time. It's nice.

So those of you who know me (which is probably slim to none, at least on here) -- I'm a Denny's rat. I hang out at Dennys on a regular basis... with friends... sit up all night drinking coffee, talking about random things, having fun. Last night, didn't get to... fell asleep. Bummer. It's like my escape from this house... I really can't stand being here.

Production notes:
So I'm currently working on 3 projects -- the first being my own screenplay of the 9/11 disaster. I really like the way it's coming along. I'm happy with the way it's coming together... which rarely happens, especially during the beginning stages of my film projects. I usually end up scrapping the first half-dozen drafts before I even begin to remotely like what's coming out on paper... so, yay!

The second project, being a more time-consuming project... my own personal project; one that I've been wanting to do for quite some time -- a film at Denny's... about late-night diners and the people that frequent them. Ya know, exploring the world of night owls that not many people really get to experience... conversations we have, the people we meet, the drama, the fun times.... you get the point. This project, I'm not as happy with. For any filmmakers out there, you all know how hard it is to capture a 'moment' under non-controlled circumstances. I'm having a rough time with audio and camera placement... and I'm not quite sure I'm happy with the way I'm going about it. I know what I want out of the project... and what I want to project -- but for some reason, it's just not clicking in my opinion. We'll see...

Lastly, my third project is my life's work -- or at least the beginning of it... I'm starting to work on my horror movie. As the gods are my witness, I will make the greatest horror movie EVER! I love the horror genre and believe that I could make a great film... something that people will look back on 30 years later and say "that one is a classic" -- I'm not even going for the "name" thing. For instance, everyone has heard of "Gone With the Wind" (either the book or film)... although, alot of people have no idea who made it. That's what I'm going for -- I want to make a horror movie that goes down in history (much like "The Exorcist", or a Alfred Hitchcock flick, etc.)... and whether or not people know who I am, doesn't matter to me. I want to make a great film... one that can be appriciated for decades to come.

As for my 3 projects... they're coming along. I may not be happy with the way I'm going about all of them... but they will eventually be done -- and then I'll move on to the second step, getting green-lighted from my studio to film one or all of them. I highly doubt I'll get to make the 9/11 project... plus, there's a certain amount of time that needs to be acknowledged... out of respect for the victims and their families (including my friend Nancy).

Know what really hit me today? George Orwell's book "1984" wasn't as good as I remember it being... I know, blasphemy. Watch, I'll get some person saying I don't know my literature... eh, oh well.

-=-=-=-

I've been on vicodin since April -- I think it's really starting to get to my stomach lining. That sucks. And the people that keep nagging me with "I really think you're addicted to your pain pills, Annie." are really starting to piss me off. How about you live with this unknown pain day in, day out (the eqivalent of taking a drill your uterus, punching it a few dozen times, taking a sledge hammer to it, then dipping it in hydrochloric acid and lighting it on fire) and then tell me about pain and the pills. Asshats.

Well, I'm off for now -- got a full agenda today. Until later...