No Lies, Just Love

It was in the march of the winter
I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place

So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep

But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"

I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.

Racing towards the new

Wow. It's been awhile since I've posted on this thing. Figure I'd give it an update -- what do you think? Good.

It's now 2007 -- well, pretty much halfway through 2007. I've stopped the opiates....... again. Every couple of months I slip up. I fractured my T7 vertabre towards the end of April this year, and then developed scatica. So I was on pain meds for quite some time. It was hard quitting them again; wound up in detox once again.

Last year, I went into treatment at Valley Hope -- it's a 21 to 45 day treatment/rehab center. I was there for 16 days. Special circumstances. But I finished the program. I did well for approx. 3 months before relapsing. Then I had some teeth removed and was back on the vicodin. So it's been an on and off thing since then. I've spent several years on pain meds, and it wasn't until VH that I was able to go without them for any length of time.

I've moved a couple times in the past couple years. Currently I'm living in midtown ('round the Westport area).... and I'm loving it. I recently was approved for SSI because of my anxiety and back problems. Various things (including the former, and also my OCD) have prevented me from working. I went back to Royal Liquor for a few days before fracturing my spine. And I've been unemployed ever since. The doctors I see say it could be years before I'm ready to go back to working a regular job again.

For those of you that care... my Buffy collection has continued to grow.

I no longer hang out at Dennys -- don't really hang out anywhere. I generally bounce from place to place visiting friends and hanging out... with the occasional party. I've lost touch with a handful of friends over the past year or two.

I no longer drink. Last time I was drunk was on my 21st birthday almost 2 years ago.

I'm still working on my film career, although due to my physical disabilities, certain tasks have had to be put on hold for awhile.

I haven't seen a good horror movie in 3 years.

Jenikins married her ex-boyfriend, Jimmy the Marine. They're now a month or so away from expecting their first lil bundle of joy. Things have been rough on them, and with them, for awhile -- I'm hoping it all works out for the good.

My dearest fairy, Les... he contracted HIV this year, and is handling it better than I am. Things have been rough for him also, but again... hoping for the best. His living situation including him, his boytoy Vince (also, HIV positive), and their friend Kim -- unfortunately, he and Vince split not too long ago and it's just him and Kim now. I feel for him; it's gotta be really rough. But he'll come out shining in the end I think.

I'm seeing the cardiologist today -- my pulse has been insanely high... too high for the doctors comfort. Today, I'm being put on a holter monitor and getting an "echo" done... hopefully the results are good. We'll see.

That's all I have to really report. I'm sure I'll dig up some other piece of info later that I haven't reported on. Not that anyone really reads this anyway. We'll see.